I hate you all.

hadersgonnahade:

I don’t have a big long emotional story to tell. Even though he’s been on SNL for eight years, I didn’t start really watching the show until about two years ago, and it just so happened to be when I saw him doing a Stefon segment and I was entranced. I spent every night of the next week leading up to the next episode on Hulu, watching every clip they had with Bill in it. He amazed me- smart, funny, stupidly talented, and maybe he’s a little good looking too. I couldn’t get enough. I stayed up til 1 am on nights before AP exams watching Stefon clips I’d watched 30 times already. I spent the summer watching every SNL episode from his first season until I was caught up with season 36. It was all I needed.

The past two seasons have occurred during difficult times in my life. I’ve began college. I’ve struggled with loneliness/anxiety/depression. I’ve hated myself and nearly everyone around me. I’ve felt lost and confused and unhappy. But it didn’t bother me that on Saturday nights, I was never invited anywhere. It didn’t bother me because I didn’t want to go anywhere, anyway. I had plans. I had the one thing there was that I felt I could look forward to; the one thing that put a smile on my face when I didn’t feel like smiling. Bill Hader was that thing. For the past two years, seeing him doing amazing things on SNL has been all I had to look forward to and it was all I needed.

I’m kicking myself because ever since I started watching SNL two years ago, I’ve been trying so hard to go to New York and do standby so I could see him in action and maybe even be lucky enough to get two seconds with him after the show. I was ready to drain my savings account and go. The only problem was that I didn’t have anyone to go with. I was so close. I’m so angry at myself. I wish I had just gone alone. Now I’ll never have the already slim chance of seeing him that I had.

I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself now. Yes, he’ll be on TV. Yes, he’ll be in movies. Yes, he’ll come back to host. But what do I do until then? I don’t have something to look forward to; I just have to wait until he pops his head out in a new project.

But it’ll be worth the wait.